Navigating Life as a Divorced Father: AN EXCERPT ONLY
Date: Oct 07, 2008
Volume 42, Issue 8, Page 62 (August 2008)
Dr. Steve S. Sommer can’t recall feeling more alone than in 1997, when he became a single father after separating from his wife of many years. The couple’s older daughter was 9 years old at the time, and their boy-girl twins were 4 years old.
It was hard,” said Dr. Sommer, who chairs the departments of molecular diagnosis and molecular genetics at the City of Hope National Medical Center in Duarte, Calif. “My dad was a fantastic dad. It had never occurred to me that I would not have the same role with my kids. Instead, I found my close relationship to my children threatened. I had to fight hard for equal parenting time, losing most of my life savings in the process. I walked a tightrope between professional responsibilities and spending time with my children on the custody schedule.”
The marriage fell apart a few months after Dr. Sommer and his family had moved to Southern California from Minnesota. Because he was new to the area, Dr. Sommer lacked a strong social support network. “My aging parents and two good friends provided emotional support long distance, and I found a fantastic nanny/housekeeper, who helped me to support the needs of the children,” he recalled.
For many years, the children commuted the 15 minutes between their two homes. During most of that period, Dr. Sommer had the children after school on weekdays through dinner time and on Friday night through Saturday. “There was a level of continuity that seldom occurs with court custody orders,” he said.
Nowadays, he sees his children much less frequently because his former spouse moved away from the area several years ago. “Millions of children of divorce experience the family tragedy of move-aways,” he said. “Some move-aways are motivated by diminishment or exclusion of the role of the other parent or by various personal choices, without necessarily prioritizing the children’s need for frequent contact with both parents.”
Dr. Sommer noted that better navigational tools for single fathers have emerged over the last decade, including Fathers and Families, led by Dr. Ned Holstein; Breakthrough Parenting and Stop Parental Alienation of Children, both led by Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.; His Side with Glenn Sacks and the book Father and Child Reunion by Warren Farrell, Ph.D. (Los Angeles: Tarcher, 2001).