to deepen our understanding of what’s missing when dad’s missing and bring dad home again.
to confront the gap between our conscious desire for father involvement and the unconscious ways we undermine that involvement. 7
Ideas
I reframe the dialogue so it is not stuck in one ideology or another; so that everyone is included, and theories in conflict are out in the open. 9
The last quarter of the century was marked by women’s struggle for equal opportunity in the workplace; the first quarter of the twenty-first century will be marked by men’s struggle for equal opportunity in the homeplace. 4
We’ve gone from the Era of Father Knows Best to the Era of Daddy Molests. 8
Five forces fuelling the fathers’ and childrens’ rights movement:
1) large numbers
2) economic hurt
3) emotional rejection
4) legal injustice
5) a protector instinct. 13
In divorce, men’s biggest fear is emotional insecurity; women’s is economic insecurity. 18
Women’s traditional support systems support women to be vulnerable; men’s traditional support systems support men to be invulnerable. 21
Paradox: the support men get to be invulnerable makes them more vulnerable; the support women get to be vulnerable makes them less vulnerable. 21
Chapter 1. Why Dad is Crucial 27
Time fathers spend with children is one of the strongest predictors of :
child empathy.
good discipline/boundaries
higher achievement test scores & grades
lower suicide rates for boys and girls
prevention of drug abuse 30
Daughters Without Dads Become Mothers Without Husbands 36
The more absent the father, the higher the rates of violent crime. 38
The Impact of Shared Parent Time 40
If Shared Parent Time Isn’t in the Cards, Are Children Better Off With Their Mom, Or With Their Dad? 47
Attitude Toward the Non-Resident Parent 48
Do Boys Do Better with Dads and Girls with Moms? 48
The Impact of a Stepparent 49
The Impact of Moving the Child Away from the Non-Resident Parent 51
Conclusion: Mommy is no substitute for daddy and money is no substitute for daddy. 54
Chapter 2. Is there a Mothering Instinct?...A Fathering Instinct?...And What Does it all Mean for our Kids? 55
What Fathers Do With Children That's Different From What Mothers Do 55
Is There a Fathering Instinct? 60
Maybe not per se, but an instinct to protect, provide and take responsibility. 62
Is There a Mothering Instinct? 64
Ann Landers to female readers, "If you had to do it all over again, would you have children?" Seventy percent said, "No." 64
86% of children surveyed said they had no preference at all regarding which parent they would prefer to live with after divorce. 69
A dad is 170% more likely to be the primary caretaker of the child than all daycare, group care, nursery school, kindergarten, and preschool facilities combined. 71
Chapter 3. Are Dads More Likely to Abuse? 75
Domestic violence is a momentary act of power designed to compensate for a continuing experience of powerlessness. 76
Single mother households account for 43% of all abused children. 76
Children are 88% more likely to be seriously injured from child abuse or neglect by their mother than by their father. 76
Children are more than twice as likely to be victims of neglect by their mother than by their father. 76
Of court-referred cases of false accusations occurring during divorce and parent time battles, 94% were made by women, 96% of those falsely accused were men. 79
Wait...Exactly What Is Sexual Abuse? 83
Belief In The Superiority Of Mothers Relates To Our Adopting The Female Definitions of Sexual Abuse 84
Chapter 4. What Prevents Dads From Being Involved? 87
Industrialization:
Created the “Father’s Catch-22”: a dad loving his children by being away from the love of his children. 88
Created “The Husband’s Catch-22.”: he needed to be away from his wife’s love in order to be loved by a woman who would be his wife. 88
Both deprived father as personal role model, and as a professional role model. 89
Next Time You See a Full-Time Dad in a Movie, Notice This Formula.... 91
If dad is the primary caretaker, mom must be dead. 92
How Our Discrimination Against Men’s Style of Nurturing Keeps Men from Children 95
The “Presumption of Perversion” 95
How the Presumption of Perversion Begins 97
Demonization of sexuality usually implies the demonization of males and the victimization of females. 97
The Female Value System 100
Female socialization permeates childraising as male values permeated money-raising. 100
The Mom-as-Gatekeeper Barrier -- Keeping Dad Out of “The First Wives’ Club” 103
40% of custodial wives reported they had refused to let their ex-husband see the children at least once. 104
We call them deadbeat dads before we ask whether mom is discouraging the contact. 104
The Helping Professions As Barrier 108
Results of making fathers feel included? Paternity establishment went from 18% to 60%. 110
Chapter 5. Toward the Best Interests of Everyone.... Some Solutions 111
The best interests of a child do not come from focusing only on its interests, but served only when everyone’s interests are considered.112
The “Fathers’ Corps” would train men to be nursery and elementary school teachers and teach men how communicate with their children. 112
The Man-in-the-Family-Plan: (1) gives children their fathers back; (2) gives women more time to enter the workplace and develop a sense mastery; (3) gives children the role model of a mother who takes economic responsibility; (4) puts children, emotions and a reason for living back into the lives of men. 113
Male Teacher Corps: bring men from the business community into the school system 116
Female Work Corps: bring female teachers from the school system into the business community. 116
Reinventing Fatherhood and Motherhood for the 21st Century 116
Introducing a New Language -- "Relationship Language” 116
The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads 121
Women needed the help of the law to enter the workplace in the 20th century, men will need the help of the law to love their children in the 21st century. 122
Chapter 6. Men’s ABC Rights and Responsibilities: Abortion, Birth, Caring 127
A Man Can Just Have Sex and Disappear, But A Woman Has to Live with the Consequences, Right? 128
Men’s “A” Right & Responsibility: Abortion: or The Fallacy of “It’s a Woman’s Right to Choose Because It’s a Woman’s Body” 131
Why Surrogate Mothering Destroys The Argument That A Woman’s Right To Choose Is Based On The Fetus Being In Her Womb 135
Men’s “B” Rights and Responsibilities: Birth Control and Believability 138
Believability: We socialized men to trust women, and socialized women to expect this trust. 138
The “Trick and Sue” Law: Female-as-Kryptonite 140
A government requiring a man to support a child he was tricked into subsidizes fraud. 143
Is A Men’s Birth Control Pill A Viable Solution? 143
Men’s “C” Right and Responsibility: Caring 148
If A Man Wants To Love A Child, Does The Woman Have The Right To Abort It? 148
How A Woman Can Put A Child Up For Adoption Without Informing The Father...And Why He Can’t Stop Her 147
How the Attitude and the Law Create the “Dad-Time Catch-22” 152
If he cares enough about his children to fight for them legally, he cares enough to not want to put them through a legal battle. 153
A “Shared Choice” Movement 158
Chapter 7. Does Divorce Make Women Poorer And Men Richer? 160
By the end of the fifth year, women were 10% ahead of where they were before divorce. 162
Who gets the family home?
The mother with children.
Creates the “masculinization of loneliness.” 162
Underestimating The Woman’s Contribution During Marriage 165
If the value of his career assets are to continue to support her, then the value of her contributions must continue to support him. 165
How Men Lost Their Children Because They Were Not The Primary Parent, And Lost Their Money Because They Were The Primary Breadwinner 166
Chapter 8. Is Child Support Helping or Hurting the Family? 169
Giving women the children, child support, and the family home gives women financial and emotional incentives to initiate the break-up of the family. 169
Are Mother Subsidies Really Designed To Give Women A Special Break? 173
If A Dad Doesn’t Pay His Mother Subsidy, He Goes To Prison; If A Mom Doesn’t Pay Her Father Subsidy, She Gets Social Services. 176
Why We Think Of Dads More As Deadbeats Than As Dead Broke, Deadened, Dead-Ended, Or Dead 179
Chapter 9. “Visitation” is for Criminals 186
”Visitation Time” Versus “Parent Time” 187
“Visitation” reflects the era of the absentee father; “parent time” influences the re-emergence of the involved father. 187
The Child’s Social Immune System: The Case For Denial Of Parent Time As Child Abuse 188
The Divorced Dad’s Postpartum Blues 190
Why Mothers Deprive Fathers Of “Dad Time” 191
Should Women With Children Have The Right To Move? 195
The Balanced Parenting Act 196
The starting assumption “children need both parents -- let’s make that happen” will not happen unless fathers have equal rights. 196
Chapter 10. Playing the “Abuse” Card 200
80% of child sex abuse accusations are unfounded. 200
80% of dads accused who are eventually found innocent nevertheless lose their jobs or suffer other employment problems. 201
How A Charge Of Possible Child Abuse Can Create The “Twelve Guarantees Of Child Abuse”...Even If The Charge Is True 203
The law is written so broadly that virtually every parent is guilty of child abuse several times each week. 209
How Innocent Men’s Lives Are Ruined By Unsubstantiated Abuse Charges 209
A Law For Men, A Law For Women: our willingness to ruin men, and readiness to protect women. 212
The False Charge Of Sex Abuse The “Nuclear Weapon Of Domestic Relations” 218
If A Child Claims Abuse, It’s Abuse; If A Child Denies Abuse, It’s “Denial” 219
Medical tests to determine sexual abuse were wrong 25% to 30% of the time. 220
How Our Education System Really Can Protect Children 229
How We Can Tell When A Sex Abuse Charge Is False 230
How The Law Can Protect Children And Protect Parents 232
Chapter 11. The Political Consequences Of Ignoring Fathers 234
When We Don’t Support Fathers’ Rights, We Are Really Supporting the “Right-to-Life” Movement 234
What Pro-Choice the Right-to-Life Have in Common: job rights; job as identity; territoriality. 235
The Fathers' Rights movement's desire for fathers to have an equal right to child involvement challenges both women’s groups’ job rights, sense of identity and territoriality. 235
There’s “Father-Style” And “Mother-Style”: Until Courts Understand What “Father-Style” Means, A Father's Contributions Will Be Mistaken For Child Abuse 236
Chapter 12. Conclusion: Toward a Father and Child Reunion 238
Sometimes we want Dad to hold back Hitler and handle a bullet in his head; other times we want him to hold a baby. 238
Men goeth to that place from which appreciation cometh. 238
The Octant of Equal Opportunity Parenting 245
Appendix. What a Man Needs to Do If Divorce Cannot Be Avoided 248